“As seeds thrown to the wind, each of Lula Mae’s children grew up separated from her. Yet, amazingly, as if being drawn by some invisible force, all of them came back to their mother once grown, one by one. They gathered, as chicks to their mother hen, to take care of her and reconnect with each other.” (page 11)

Grandma Lula Mae and Tessie Mae

“Tessie was not ready to settle in the poverty-stricken part of Savannah where she was raised. She wanted to see the world, so she enlisted in the Navy. With high hopes and ready to find a better life, at the age of seventeen, Tessie was off, leaving her parents, her family, and her baby daughter behind.” (page 14)

“Still refusing to settle, she dragged Kat and me throughout Union County, hopping from one bus to the next, one house to the next, one bed to the next, one man to the next. Stability was a luxury Kat and I were not afforded. Barely two and three years of age, we were at the whims of our mother’s decisions, frequently moving from one place to another daily.” (page 18)

“That same woman would then go to church, sit us next to her on the pew, and testify to others how good God had been
to her and her children. There was nothing sacred to Tessie. The same hands that beat us within an inch of our lives several times a week would be raised to the heavens in praise every Sunday. Kat and I were inconvenient mistakes, ones she resentfully kept and ones she could not terminate in time as she had done with our never-to-be-known siblings.” (page 21)

“Turning to each other as two abandoned kittens would for love and comfort, Kat and I became inseparable. Because of this Tessie endearingly called us “Mutt and Jeff,” based off of characters in a long-running and widely popular American newspaper comic strip. Kat was my everything. She was my calm in the midst of an all-encompassing storm of our lives. She was always there for me no matter what happened. As long as she was near me I was happy.” (page 29)

“Unlike our unstable daily conditions, often filled with putrid smells, dirt, cockroaches, and rats, the Browns’ home seemed like a place that belonged on a postcard. Clean, warm, and furnished. The smell of plastic that covered their couches to keep them in a pristine condition became a holy aroma in my nostrils each time I came through the doors.” (page 36)

“When breakfast was over and dishes cleaned and put away, it was time to get ready for the service. It was church time! I was off to wash my face in a clean sink, get my teeth brushed, hair combed, and put on a suit, tie, and my shiny church shoes.” (page 37)

“While I looked forward to our weekend getaways, Kat still clung to Tessie as if trying to suck out any possible maternal love Tessie might have possessed, perhaps intuitively feeling what the future had in store for us.” (page 43)

“We saw Tessie on and off for the next couple of years. She visited the church we attended and occasionally dropped by unannounced at the Browns’. During one such visit, Tessie announced that she was getting married. She finally found the man of her dreams—Michael Owens. At last  her dreams came true and her efforts paid off!” (page 52)

“Disney World! That was all we could think about from that moment on. We were too excited to sleep. All night long it felt like our hearts would beat out of our tiny chests, picking up pace like a train rolling down a hill, each beat as the sound of train wheels … Dis-ney World, Dis-ney World, Disney World, Dis-ney World, Dis-ney World! From the slums of Savannah and the projects of New Jersey, Mutt and Jeff were Disney World bound!” (page 59)

“The moment we pulled into Kissimmee, Florida, I was in love! In my entire life I had never seen such beauty and opulence. Manicured lawns with the brightest green grass I had ever seen, tall palm trees lining sides of clean streets, bright rooftops and pristine blue water swimming pools. The beauty of this place was emphasized at night when the lights came on. It felt like we were in an alternate reality altogether.” (page 59)

“The rest of my life was staring me right
in the face, teasing with possibilities, but silent about the highs and the lows I would experience over the next few years, telling me nothing about how, one day, I would find my true salvation and freedom.” (page 83)

“The experience of being on my own was invigorating. Before long, my apartment was the hub of noisy get-togethers, parties, and Bible studies. I participated in every possible activity I could… I could stay out as late as I wanted, make friends with whoever I wanted, and call the shots for the first time in my life. There was no one to tell me “No.” I was recognized and respected. I felt like I had finally found my place in life. Not a dark cloud in the sky.” (page 86)

“It was not until the winter of 2001 that my eyes would settle on her face, my heart skipping a beat each time. I did not want this feeling. I was not welcoming it. But as a blade of grass is drawn toward the sun for its survival, I was drawn to her. I could not get her out of my head.” (page 100)

“I did not want to be apart from this woman ever again, come hell or high water. She was out of my league and I think she knew it. I would have been a fool to let her go. I was done with my past, ready to let go of my weaknesses. I felt like I hit the jackpot, but also still felt unworthy of her love. I would do whatever it took to prove myself and to hold onto her including a ring, a wedding, and a white picket fence.” (page 115)

“After two infections I was prescribed a lengthy round of antibiotics and steroids. These medications had to be administered intravenously via a PICC line several times a day…Naturally, Elena took it upon herself to help. I had no one else I would trust with my life … While feeling helpless was not what a grown man would want, I was grateful to have her in my corner.” (page 126)

“In the days to follow we visited each of Elena’s siblings. At every house, without fail, we were promptly invited to a table splitting at the seams with the best of their cooking. I did not know it was possible, but I was tired of eating. I did not know how to pace myself. I needed to leave enough room in my stomach for at least a small snack at each house, to be respectful toward our hosts. In a few short days of visiting the family, I got a crash course in Russian hospitality.” (page 135)

(Trying to memorize the names of all Elena’s siblings)

“April 12, 2003, on the one-year anniversary of my brain surgery, we said our “I Do’s” in a small private ceremony. Just us two, an officiant and his wife, two witnesses, and a couple of friends. We were husband and wife. I got Elena. And she got me, my mess, my struggles, destroyed credit, and a hundred thousand dollars in medical bills.” (page 138)

“Grandma’s house was hard to miss. Freshly painted white siding with blue shutters and a blue roof to match, it had “WILKINS” spelled out right under the house number. Impatiently, with flowers in my hand, I rang the doorbell. Grandma Pearl stepped out, her eyes filled with tears, beaming ear to ear, her mouth missing dentures.
“Welcome home, baby.” She squeezed me tightly in her motherly embrace.” (page 147)

“Later that day, Grandma had a surprise for me. She pulled me into her small kitchen and asked me to grab two little bowls off the highest shelf. I could not believe my eyes. These were mine and Kat’s cereal bowls.” (page 148)

“Lula Mae was still alive, looking much the same as I could remember her from Tessie’s funeral, only with more gray hair and a few more wrinkles. I was overjoyed to see her … I spent my time buttering her up with hugs and occasional kisses on the cheek.” (page 156)

“As we were getting ready to sit down for a meal at Aunt Helen’s house, I heard a sweet, familiar voice.  “Where’s my brother at?” 

It was Etoy! My long lost and now much-loved sister. I rushed toward her. Our bodies collided as she jumped on me, wrapping her legs around my torso. As I tightly held Etoy’s petite coke-bottle-shaped body in my arms, we both melted into a waterfall of tears.” (page 157)

“As we were getting ready to sit down for a meal at Aunt Helen’s house, I heard a sweet, familiar voice.  “Where’s my brother at?” 

It was Etoy! My long lost and now much-loved sister. I rushed toward her. Our bodies collided as she jumped on me, wrapping her legs around my torso. As I tightly held Etoy’s petite coke-bottle-shaped body in my arms, we both melted into a waterfall of tears.” (page 157)

“Placing flowers on Tessie’s grave, I knelt. In that instant I was no longer a grown man at her grave. I was a ten-year-old version of myself. I was saying goodbye to my mother
for the last time, and in a way I could not have fifteen years prior. My chest convulsed with sobs as I finally allowed
myself to feel.” (page 161)

“By Thanksgiving of the same year, Edward Sr. was released from prison. The honeymoon of finding him and the rest of the family had worn off. It was time to meet him face to face to ask the hard questions that hadn’t been answered yet. I wanted a man-to-man conversation… I knew that my memories of him were not a figment of my scarred childhood brain. I had to hear for myself about the abuse we suffered at his hand.” (page 165)

“Having visited the dysfunction I could have been raised in, I had a deeper appreciation for what I was given by life,
flawed as it was—the Brown family… A few years later, when Mom and Pop passed … I had nothing but gratitude in my heart toward them. They were my true parents when I bade my final farewell.” (page 169)

“Elena. She could see beyond my screw-ups and limitations. “What was” was not as important to her as “what can be.” Each day is a new possibility. Each day is filled with grace. Each day she lived by:
Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. ‘Treat a man as he can and should be, and he will become as he can and should be.’” (page 173)

“Elena spoke a different love language than me. She did not want big gestures or things. … Her love language was time. Time with me. My company. My touch. My loyalty. All the things that cost no money. All the things I found hard to give. It would have been easier if I could sweep her off her feet with a grand gesture, like a surprise trip to Cancun. But, no. She wanted me.” (page 204)

“I did not know how to react. I cried like a baby. I pulled Elena in and held her tightly in my arms. In that moment, I had everything a man could ever dream of and more than I ever deserved. I used to fear homelessness. I used to fear ending up in a prison. I used to fear losing my love. I used to fear myself. But I grew past that mess. I was becoming the man I could respect. And now I was given a chance to learn how to become the father I never had but always wanted.” (page 213)

“Elena was in a world of her own, staring at our baby’s tiny face, lost to reality.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you look?” was all she could say.

Peeking under the birthing blanket, the mystery was over.” (page 219)

“I am my daughter’s pupil. She teaches me to be the father she needs in her life. So, I became the finger-nail-painting, hair-braiding, tutu-wearing, dancing-‘til-you-drop, beat-boxing, homeschooling, fly-you-to-the-moon, and loving-every-moment-of-it father. The more she teaches me, the more I learn.” (page 228)

“She led me through uncovering the parts
of me that still needed healing … so I could hear the voice of my past and understand what stories my body stored that still needed finishing and releasing… Each day after that … I began to go deeper in my practice, bringing light to every corner of my soul that was still mired with pain and brokenness. Illuminating every inch of my being… Being honest with myself about my deepest fears, desires, and dreams.” (page 237)

“There he is, little Dee, barely three, sitting at the top of the stairs, screaming after his mom. She did not look back as the door slammed shut behind her. He is crying, screaming, begging. The apartment reeks of Raid. Little Kat is already lost in play with the roommate kids. Little Dee is all alone, crying inconsolably. Suddenly he feels a presence around him.” (page 249)

“It was in that moment that I finally accepted all the good, the bad, and the ugly that made me who I am. To change anything that happened to me, which I used to wish for often, would be to change the course of my life. To change one thing would be to rob me of my present joy, rob me of my life, my identity, my wife, and my daughter. I could not fathom being anywhere other than where I am, anyone
other than who I am. The life I now have is a beautiful one. Whether I felt like a victim or a villain, each step brought me to this place.” (page 251)

“In the months following my first quantum trip, I took many more trips into my past, collapsing the time, healing my inner child, filling the Tessie-size void in my heart with love and security. Each time I came back from my quantum time travel, I became more of the person I wanted to be.” (page 271)